


Vanessa and Wade’s Annual Welcome Back to Life Ho-Down, ft. Cable

by Meatball42



Series: Rare Pairs [67]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Marvel
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, POV Wade Wilson, Podfic Available, Self-Esteem Issues, Threesome, Time Travel Fix-It, You bet your ass I fixed those missing superpowers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-22 10:38:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17058245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meatball42/pseuds/Meatball42
Summary: “Wade and I have a tradition whenever one of us turns out not to be dead.” She smiles at Cable politely. “Would you like to stay for dinner?”“And by dinner, she means bare minimum twelve hours of the most animalistic ravaging of each others’ naughty bits that you can see outside Bangkok, big boy. Really putting the freak in fan-freaking-tastic multi-orgasmic cum-marathon.”“So what do you say?”Cable grinds his jaw for a second, but honestly, who would pass up these A-listers?“Why the hell not?”





	Vanessa and Wade’s Annual Welcome Back to Life Ho-Down, ft. Cable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Franzeska](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Franzeska/gifts).



> Beta credit to the sharp-eyed [Merriman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merriman/works) for making this less confusing!
> 
> Anyone who wishes to hear this story in a very well-done podfic can access it by the link at the bottom of the fic.

**INT. MY NOT-BLOWN-UP APARTMENT - THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE**

PERSPECTIVE: CAMERA IN THE CORNER

That’s right baby, this night’s being saved for posterity. We’ve got a tripod rolling at JUST the right angle to catch Cable plowing Vanessa with _his_ tripod while I give myself _the mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother of all orgasms_ on a nifty little tool in the corner. That’s one thing they don’t tell ya about superpowers, kids. A healing factor is good for a _lot_ more than your average wear and tear.

I wonder if Captain A-

“Oh, fuck, _fuck, fuck!_ Wade, will- ah!- Stop- narrating- unless-”

“You’re right sweetheart, my bad!” She likes dirty talk, and I like my girl getting what she wants. Which, right now, is some hot cyborg-mecha piston-grinding Terminator-

“Wade!”

You have no idea how long it took me to get Cable’s clothes off, but those forty-five minutes since I didn’t die were completely worth the pain. The guy looks like he benches semis for fun. He’s got the ass of a champion, and I’ve got the best view in the house as he flexes to shove his horse-sized cock up inside my girlfriend’s greedy hole. His dick looks like it benches semis for fun.

Half of him is a steampunk wonderland of battle-scarred metal plates and thick cables going every which way. Kinda makes me wonder if they can move on their own. Maybe like, mechanical tenta-

“I still have my guns on me you know.”

Vanessa laughs. Right in the middle of getting railed within an inch of her life by a figure out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s cry-porn, she looks up at me and laughs. How on Earth did I get so lucky?

“Get over here, idiot,” she calls. It’s kinda hard to understand her because Cable stuck some of his fingers down her throat and her eyes are rolling back in her head, but I’m used to translating.

That, and- Cable turns to look at me- one eye glowing, the other this piercing blue, like shards of stained glass window glinting in the firelight after you blow up a church and immolate the pastor (golly, I’m getting all romantic)- and takes his hand off Vanessa’s fantastic tit long enough to wave me over. Now that’s love, ladies, gentlemutants, and anybody else reading.

I leave the vibrator in my ass when I join them on the bed. Better to have it and not need it, am I right?

 

\---

 

**INT. MY NOT-BLOWN-UP APARTMENT - EARLIER ON THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE**

Thank fuck the time-turner convenience device was easy to work. Imagine how complicated the quest to save the damsel in distress could’ve gotten otherwise! We might’ve had to make a whole movie about it, and by that time someone might have leaked the plans for Deadpool Double-Barreled, where I go undercover as a nubile teenage boy joining the Avengers.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Vanessa shrieks straight into my ear.

“Nothing, I’m sorry, I’m so happy you’re alive, I’m so happy, Vanessa-”

She looks behind her at the other side of the apartment, like she can remember… all of it. “I’m back? Really, for real?” she asks me.

“You’re back, for realsies. I maybe cracked time and space, but who cares, that’s some other franchise’s problem.”

“There’s no paradox,” Cable says from behind me.

Vanessa gives him a suspicious once-over, and then after I wink at her very subtly, a more appreciative once-over.

“Are you certain of that, Mr…?”

“You can call me Cable. And my tech _never_ fails.”

Vanessa looks impressed by that spine-tingling show of big dick energy, as well she should. And we’re on the same page now, because she gives me that ‘you’re gonna get laid in new and interesting ways’ look that she wears so well.

“Wade and I have a tradition whenever one of us turns out not to be dead.” She smiles at Cable politely. “Would you like to stay for dinner?”

“And by dinner, she means bare minimum twelve hours of the most animalistic ravaging of each others’ naughty bits that you can see outside Bangkok, big boy. Really putting the freak in fan-freaking-tastic multi-orgasmic cum-marathon.”

“So what do you say?”

Cable grinds his jaw for a second, but honestly, who would pass up these A-listers?

“Why the hell not?”

 

\---

 

**INT. FIRE ESCAPE OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT - LATER ON THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE**

I climb out the window with a pair of beers and a pack of cigs. Vanessa is cleaning up in the bathroom and Cable’s been quiet. I only met the guy this week, but he’s kinda high maintenance. I get the wibbles when he clams up like this. Maybe I should put on Gilmore Girls, let him know he can open up to me.

“Gilmore Girls?”

I gasp. “Are you saying the story of Lorelai and Rory doesn’t survive global warming?”

“It was an intergalactic war,” Cable grumps. “...but the climate change didn’t help. Will you just give me the beer?”

He says no to a smoke though. I light one up, mostly because I’m upwind and he gets the most adorable pissy expression.

“Never a good idea,” he says when he’s done with the beer. “Getting tangled up with civilians. I would know.”

He’s right, is the thing. If I’d had this superpower bullshit before I met Vanessa, I’d never have hitched her to this sinking ship. But- “What am I supposed to do about that now?”

He stares up at the sky. “Never figured that one out, myself.”

"You're still here," I comment. "It's been a whole ten minutes since you let loose the trouser-dragon. Most guys with a civvie-phobia'd already be making cartoon dust-clouds as they skeddadled out of frame."

Cable turns to give me a look like he's got me figured out, which is a) really a fetching look, what with the glowy death-eye, and b) ridiculous AND insulting. I don't even have me figured out.

"Now that I don't have to kill you for getting in my way... you really think I'm letting you out of my sight?"

I check behind me in case Hugh Jackman popped out of nowhere. It's been known to happen. "Me?"

"You, Wade." He grins like the sexy silver fox archetype that he is.

"I didn't realize we vibed that hard," I mutter to myself. "I mean, don't get me wrong, that was one kick-ass finale there, but I'm pretty genre-savvy, and you're right on time for a wham-bam-thank-you-man. Which was a surprise already- you read more on-the-DL blowjobs behind some shithole after you drown your better angels in bottom-shelf booze than not-gay-in-a-threeway, small side of cuddlebug." 

"Not really sure what all that means," Cable says, cool as a cucumber, "but what it comes down to is, when I see a knock-out like you, I'm not about to let you get away."

I check behind me again. "Me?"

He kinda swirls his chin around like I confused him and he's trying to figure it out, which just calls attention to his powerful jaw and what he could do with his tongue.

"You wanna find out?" He leans in and kisses me, slow and serious like nobody has since... all this superhero crap started. Nobody but Vanessa.

"Do you really think I've never seen scars, before?" Cable asks quietly. He touches my neck with his robot arm, which is a fair argument, but at least the rest of him is fucking beautiful. "I don't care about that. I'm here because you're the most entertaining son of a bitch I've met in years, and you do good work. And your woman in there must have nerves of steel to put up with you."

"She does," I say breathily. "She's the best." And then I lean forward, because goddammit if Cable isn't a galactic-level kisser. It's just about everything a cancer-ridden fuck-up merc could ask for.

And then Vanessa screams.

I’m back inside before I know what’s going on. Cable takes a chunk out of the masonry following me- he’s so paying back the security deposit on this place.

When I get to the bathroom, there’s no one in sight. She’s sitting on the floor, hyperventilating. “What’s the matter, babe?” I crouch down next to her, checking her over for injuries. She’s still in the Princess Leia-themed lingerie, and I don’t see any blood.

“I looked in the mirror… and I was you!” She points at my own ugly mug.

I got nothin’. “Don’t get me wrong baby, I’m flattered, but- are we talking stress hallucinations here, or limbo-inspired visions of horrible futures, or-”

“No, I mean my face, it was yours. And when I screamed it turned back.”

“That’s- that sounds-”

“Like shapeshifting.” Cable is leaning on the doorframe like some post-Apocalyptic underwear model. He’s nodding to himself and giving Vanessa an assessing look, which, I know we’re in the middle of a crisis and all, but- that's a full-on 'punish me daddy' look right there.

“It’s not uncommon for people to have new abilities when they come back from the dead. Are you associated with a pagan god?”

I spring to my feet. “What the hell are you going on about, JK? Do you want us to get boycotted by One Million Moms? You can’t talk about that shit!”

Cable ignores me completely, the fucker. “Has anyone in your family had any superpowers?”

Vanessa nods slowly, which, that’s the first I’ve heard of anything like this. Maybe she's been saving it for the threequel? “So this is legit?”

“Try doing it on purpose,” Cable suggests. “It could just be a defence mechanism.”

Vanessa closes her eyes and concentrates. Within a matter of seconds, the edges of her begin to get fuzzy like a camera going out of focus, and when it clears up…

I look back and forth between the Cable standing in the doorway and the Cable sitting on the floor. I look another six times, before I start getting dizzy.

“Oh, this is gonna be great for business,” Vanessa wonders, looking at her own Winter Soldier-hentai arm. “I could go into film with this. Wade, we can finally get that porn star mansion looking over Hollywood.”

“I thought we agreed on living near Yellowstone? For the animals?”

“That can be our summer home,” she counters. I love this woman.

“I love you,” I tell her. “But right now-” I reach down and untie the faux-gold bikini bottom that was looking a little strained with her new physique, “I’m in love with THIS MONSTER COCK! I mean, seriously! _Fuck!”_

I must have banged the right nun in a past life, because Cable steps up behind me and grabs my hips in his Bigfoot hands and grinds me against his rock-hard lovestick. “Don’t you mean this monster cock?”

Vanessa grins her ‘you’re gonna get laid in new and interesting ways’ grin, which is just about the hottest thing IN THE GALAXY on Cable’s face. “Time for some quality assurance testing.”

“You know, God?” I narrate as the party restarts around me. “You and me really got off on the wrong foot, but I’m starting to get what everyone sees in- _OH-KAY_ , that needs more lube! Oh, _daddies!”_

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Vanessa and Wade’s Annual Welcome Back to Life Ho-Down, ft. Cable [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17638433) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




End file.
